


Lessons

by ladykardasi



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst, Gol - Freeform, Kohlinar, M/M, Slash, Vignette
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-14
Updated: 2017-05-14
Packaged: 2018-10-31 19:42:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10906164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladykardasi/pseuds/ladykardasi
Summary: A very angsty series of Vignettes dealing with what happened between Kirk and Spock in The Motion Picture. Gol, the Kohlinar, V'Ger and Kirk's and Spock's relationship.





	Lessons

_Lessons 1  
Kohlinar_

_Spock_

_I watched him go. His beauty still tugging at my heart.  
He taught me how to feel and I learned my lesson well. _

_I am still your friend, he said. But, somewhere along the way, the love died. He asked my forgiveness and I granted it, though it pained me.  
I could never refuse him anything... _

_Never did we form the bond that my people do.  
He was frightened of its solidity.  
Now it is too late.  
Too late... _

_I forced myself to leave.  
I could not face the emptiness.  
I went to Gol because I had to, needed to purge the emotions. _

_The human inside me wanted, needed to get out.  
I let it surface, to please him.  
I couldn't deny him the love that was already there. _

_Farewell, my friend.  
Love has died, you said.  
But it is not true. _

_I wish you well and I hope you can move on; you, who are my other half.  
Find happiness with someone else.  
It is evident I could not give it to you.  
The Kohlinar will release me and help me bury the love that I still feel for you. _

_I learned my lesson well._

_~ END_

_LESSONS 2  
Prisoner of Pain  
Kirk_

_They were consuming me, the feelings I had for him.  
I had to tell him to go.  
I couldn't take it.  
I couldn't fight the way those dark eyes saw the depths of my soul. _

_His mind called me every time we made love.  
Tantalizing, alluring and intoxicating.  
It frightened me like nothing else ever could. _

_I told him I no longer loved him.  
It was like tearing my own heart from my chest. _

_I am such a coward.  
Starfleet's finest they say.  
What a mockery.  
If only they knew what a coward I was.  
I had it all, within reach, and I threw it away. _

_He left.  
I could see the pain in his eyes.  
And the love.  
And I turned away. _

_Will I ever see him again?_

_By god, what have I done?  
I wanted to remain free,  
But now I'm a prisoner of pain. _

_~ END_

_LESSONS 3  
From the Outside, Looking In_

_McCoy_

_They remind me of two magnets, pulling each other closer and forming a unity. Suddenly repelling, splitting apart._

_He's so scared it isn't even funny, and I don't know how to help him.  
He's always been like that, so afraid of intimacy, afraid of getting too close, or for someone else to get too close to him. _

_I watched that pointy-eared son of a bitch leave him.  
But then, Spock has never felt that kind of pain.  
It was debilitating, frightening and he could not control it.  
I could see it in his face, set in stone. _

_Spock always had an animated face, despite the economy of emotion.  
But now it's cold and dead. I don't know how to help him either._

_I'm a doctor, not a psychiatrist, but it pains me to see them drift apart.  
It's like seeing something precious shatter right before my eyes.  
It's like seeing Earth without its sun, or the moon without its Earth. _

_They don't realize I know the truth.  
And I'm not sure I should tell them. _

_How will they survive it? How will we survive it?_

_Seeing the hurt in Spock's eyes. I'm not that sure he'll ever return.  
Seeing the fear in Jim's, I'm not sure he should. _

_~ END_

_LESSONS 4  
Severed Link  
Kirk_

_Stubborn  
Yes, I guess I am at that.  
But what good will it do me to go to Vulcan?  
He won't listen.  
I hurt him too much. _

_He cut the link last night.  
The precious link that in time would have become the bond.  
Less than a marriage, more than a betrothal.  
I could feel him severing it, it was as if he cut a limb from me.  
The vastness of space suddenly became empty and lifeless.  
Devoid of anything worth living for.  
Nothing left fighting for  
And I feel so alone. _

_I remember how it felt to be alone before.  
It was cold, empty and painful.  
But nothing could have prepared me for this. _

_The emptiness feels like an aching hole inside me.  
My heart slows down as if it wants to quit beating.  
In the emptiness of night, I call to him.  
He does not answer.  
I call to him  
But there is only silence greeting me.  
And we weren't yet bonded, he said. _

_I didn't want it. It frightened the living daylights right out of me.  
Bonded to another for life - and beyond?  
Now it is all that I wish for, all that I want. _

_The Enterprise keeps rushing forth between the stars,  
Their light seems bleak somehow, and the ship has no soul.  
But I had to get her back.  
She is the only thing that gives meaning to my life now._

_He's gone. Oh God. What do I do to get him back?  
Will a Starship Captain be granted this one mistake?  
Even if it is the worst in his life.  
Will I be granted another chance. _

_Oh, please...._

_~ END_

_LESSONS 5  
The Calling  
Spock_

_I reached the final level of the Kohlinar.  
I severed our link.  
It was fairly undramatic.  
Less painful than I imagined  
At first.... _

_I believed that severing the link would make my existence easier.  
I was mistaken.  
I find my thoughts straying more often than not.  
Soon, I am to accept the token of my mastery.  
I am not worthy._

_It is unnerving the way I still feel.  
It shatters the neatly stacked layers of logic in my mind.  
Something is calling to me  
Is it Jim?  
I am not certain. _

_The sands of Vulcan touch my skin,  
T'Kuht and her smaller companion make the heat sear through my robe.  
The dryness, the heat and the wind are Vulcan.  
Together they make my home  
And yet I still crave_

_I crave the moisture, the coolness and the lushness of Earth  
Of him....  
Of him, who is still my other half.  
Something is calling to me. _

_As she lifts the token of logic that is to be bestowed upon me.  
Something out there in the vastness of space reaches out to me,  
It reaches out to my human half.  
What it is, I do not know.  
It is far more powerful than Jim.  
And it is asking questions for which I do not have the answers. _

_I lift my hand and with this simple gesture  
I deny what is.  
I deny the Kolinahr  
And the emotions rush back into my mind as if they were never missing. _

_The pain.  
The love.  
The loneliness  
The passion_

_The longing_

_Th'y'la...._

_~ END~  
LESSONS 6  
Soulless Eyes_

_McCoy_

_Jim is not acting himself. Something is riding him.  
Oh, I know what it is. I'm not a fool even if I act one at times.  
I feel almost sorry for Decker, but I feel even sorrier for Jim.  
I knew it was wrong for him to accept the promotion  
That doesn't mean I believe it's right for him to be back on the Enterprise. _

_There are memories here.  
Painful ones.  
I don't think he's ready to face them.  
I don't know if he'll ever be. _

_He's jumpy, irritable and I can see the aching in those hazel eyes.  
I want to shake him out of his funk, make him realize that he's being foolish.  
But I can't.  
I'm not a bastard and I care about him.  
I don't want to add to his pain if I can avoid it._

_I am on the bridge when the message comes.  
Someone is asking to come aboard.  
I know who it is as soon as I look at Jim.  
His entire body tenses like a bowstring.  
His knuckles grasp at the edge of his seat.  
His face turns a ghostly white.  
But his voice betrays nothing. _

_Spock is here._

_I know it as certainly as if I could see him standing there on the bridge with us. Suddenly, without warning, he does._

_"Spock..."_

_Jim's whisper is painful to hear.  
It holds all the love, the need and the longing  
For the whole bridge to see. _

_Jim's eyes sparkle like his soul suddenly awoke.  
I hadn't realized the spark was missing until now. _

_Spock is cold.  
He doesn't even reply and my heart weeps for them.  
Is it too late?  
Has the... Kohlinar, or whatever that wretched ritual is called, stolen away all emotion from him? Is Spock now the iceblock I always blamed him to be?_

_I knew then that it wasn't true.  
I knew then that I could rattle him into feeling whenever it was needed.  
But now?  
His eyes are as cool and as dead as they were when he left. _

_Worse._

_It is as if Spock's soul is gone.  
God help us all, what will come of this?_

_~ END_

_LESSONS 7  
_Spock_ _

__

__

_I believed I had prepared myself sufficiently for this meeting.  
I found that it was not so.  
I was utterly shaken by the stab of pain in my heart. _

_Spock, he said.  
His whisper tore at me, stirred the emotions like a stick in a pond.  
Making my soul feel grained, mudded and shaken. _

_His face lit up with that expression I am so familiar with.  
It held emotions I thought he had buried.  
Emotions I know he no longer feels. _

_I found myself incapable of answering him.  
I found myself incapable of speaking at all.  
They were my friends.  
I left them all.  
I could do nothing else.  
It is an inadequate excuse.  
My pain became theirs.  
It was not my intention._

_Their reactions as I entered were not what I had expected.  
I did not expect happiness at my arrival.  
I did not expect them to welcome me.  
Not after I left them thus. _

_But the human heart is a curious thing.  
I forget that in my chest beats a half-human heart.  
Its reactions are not always logical  
I cannot prepare for what it has in store for me. _

_Now I struggle to keep the shields up.  
I turn to Decker and he allows me to take the science station.  
I wish to leave.  
I wish to weep  
I wish nothing more than to stay here, in their presence  
In his presence. _

_Is there still hope?  
Hope is illogical.  
Yet, I cannot help but feel it. _

_~ END_

_LESSONS 8  
There  
Kirk_

_There he was.  
I never thought I'd see him again.  
"Spock," I whispered.  
The need poured out of me in that single word.  
It stretched toward him, reached for him on its own volition. _

_I didn't know he was coming.  
But as he stood there it was as if my whole being came alive.  
I had no idea I was so close to dying.  
Without him, there just wasn't any life left in me. _

_Had I known he was coming I might have been able to prepare.  
Now, it was like I poured my soul out for the world to see.  
But I doubt knowing he was coming would have made a difference._

_All that I wanted.  
All that I needed.  
All that I desired._

_He was there, before me.  
And yet he wasn't there.  
It took quite some time before I realized that he was there in body, but not in mind.  
The link was still gone and he didn't answer my desperate mindcries.  
Maybe he could no longer hear them?_

_I watched his stony face.  
Attractive to me like nothing else in this world could be.  
I watched him move, distinctly and economically.  
He was all I desired.  
Beautiful. _

_I withdrew, apalled at the way I'd reacted.  
I struggled to pull myself together and I lifted my head.  
I met McCoy's eyes and saw the compassion there. _

_He knew._

_Good God, Bones. What do I do? How do I go on?  
I've lost him and I have no one else to blame._

_I don't know how I managed, but I got myself through the rest of that day,  
This horrible day, chasing after that *thing*, getting closer to Earth by the minute. _

_I made mistakes, but who can blame me?  
Who the hell can blame me?  
My sun just rose, only to see my world fall apart again. _

_~End_

_LESSONS 9  
Advice  
McCoy_

_I never thought I'd say this, but I think it was a bloody good thing that V'ger came into the picture. It gave them both time to think and get used to the idea that the other was there, you know?_

_They both walked around like stiff mannequins, especially Spock of course. Even my jabs didn't seem to reach him. I'd have expected him to react that way to Jim, but to the rest of us? I sure as hell wasn't responsible for his pain. Oh yeah, there was a lot of pain there, and if I could see it maybe there was hope for him yet._

_I'd hoped he'd be less Vulcan around me. But he wasn't. I suppose that Kohlinar experience could have run deeper than I had expected. If it's true, that's a damned shame._

_Jim came to me last night to talk. We're nearing Earth again, V'ger's been dealt with. Ilia and Decker are both gone, and good riddance._

_"You know, don't you?" he asked. I just nodded. There was no sense in trying to pretend I didn't know what he was talking about. I think my words to Jim last night rattled him. Not that I said anything bad, mind you, but just the fact that I knew so much or had guessed so much._

_"I've lost him for good. He doesn't even talk to me unless he has to," Jim said. He was still tense. It seemed to me then that I hadn't seen him relax ever since Spock came back._

_"You can't expect him to trust you with his feelings so easily again, Jim," I said. "You hurt him by rejecting him. What did you expect?"_

_"I don't know. I don't understand how I could ever have rejected him. He's the best part of me. God, I was so scared. I don't even remember what scared me so much anymore!"_

_"Commitment," I replied dryly._

_"Yeah, but I've forgotten why it scared me so much. I want him in my llife for good. Do you think I still have a chance?"_

_"Talk to him, Jim, that's all I can say. Go talk to him. He's still in sickbay."_

_"I almost lost him out there. I thought he was dead. For several minutes I thought he was dead and that I'd never get another chance."_

_"I know, Jim, but he's alive and the only one who can set things straight again is you."_

_He left me then, and so far I don't know how things really went. I don't even know if he went to Spock._

_~ End_

_LESSONS 10  
Unrequited  
Spock_

_When I first woke up I felt disoriented.  
My mind filled with mechanical cries and determination to find the ultimate knowledge.  
Overload.  
That is what V'Ger's entrance caused to my mind.  
It appears my consciousness has been able to organize it.  
I am alive.  
I still function._

_I have a faint recollection of seeing Jim.  
Holding his hand in a desperate grip.  
Trying to convey the emotions.  
"This siimple feeling, is beyond V'Ger's comprehension," I said._

_The look on Jim's face.  
Maybe there is hope for us yet?  
I tried to convey the emotions I still have for him in that single touch.  
Without link, it was difficult.  
I noted how it startled the doctor, but it did not disturb me.  
I would not permit it.  
The moment was too significant to allow such concerns to sway me.  
If I succeeded?  
I do not know. _

_Jim left._

_I have not seen him since.  
I have lain unconscious to him and the world for quite some time.  
Perhaps he has tried to contact me.  
I do not know. _

_McCoy is present again.  
Sickbay is permeated by his presence.  
Although I cannot see him.  
I must have slept for a significant period of time. _

_I can sense McCoy's concern.  
Surely not for my health?  
I am progressing satisfactorily.  
Of that much I am certain. _

_It is, however, not the doctor's nearness I wish to feel.  
As much as I value his friendship. _

_It is Jim_

_The longing for him intensifies again.  
As if it was never gone.  
Perhaps it never was?  
No, I will not lie to myself again.  
It was always there. _

_There are questions I am now faced to answer._

_Should I leave or should I stay?  
Should I stay and take what he is capable of giving?  
Should I deny the part of me that is Vulcan?  
The part of me that needs...  
The part of me that craves the bonding?_

_It is not what I hoped for.  
It is not all that I need.  
It is not enough.  
But without it I cannot go on. _

_The futility of the Kohlinar is clear to me now.  
If I had achieved it, I would have become less than I am.  
I would have become a machine.  
I would be like V'Ger.  
Devoid of emotion.  
Sterile and barren.  
My heart would have turned to ice. _

_I realize suddenly a truth.  
The old Earth idiom holds more than a measure of truth.  
"It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all."_

_Even the pain, and the unfullfillment is precious.  
The agony of unrequited love is worth more than all the logic in the Universe.  
I understand that - now.  
The Kohlinar is perhaps the answer for some.  
Not for me.  
T'Sai was correct.  
My answer lies elsewhere. _

_Denying my emotions would have been denying part of my being.  
Denying the part of me that was human. _

_I need Jim.  
I wish to speak to him.  
I have to speak with him. _

_~END  
LESSONS 11  
Fear_ _Kirk_

_I'm pacing my quarters  
I know Bones' advice is sound.  
So, why am I so scared again?_

_Because of the emptiness I saw in his eyes when he returned?  
For fear of rejection?  
Because I'm scared I don't deserve his forgiveness.  
His understanding?_

_Yes._

_I've been a coward before.  
Look where that got me.  
I can't let fear control me again. _

_This - he - is too precious to me.  
He is worth every risk.  
He is worth my life.  
Time and time again. _

_He holds my heart.  
He holds my soul.  
What difference would it make to let him know this truth?  
He would never abuse it. _

_I straighten and look up.  
I make a decision.  
It is time that we talk. _

_~ END_

_LESSONS 12  
Trapped  
McCoy_

_I can't believe this.  
How can they be so god damned careless?  
This is my sickbay for crying out loud!  
Do I have to put up a sign saying  
*Doctor is in*_

_I'm trapped in this wretched room unless I want to interrupt them.  
And I'll be damned if I do that.  
That might force them off the path they've chosen.  
I can't do that. _

_So I stay, even though I can hear every word they're saying.  
I can hear every word of this most private of conversations. _

_"Spock," he whispers to the sleeping man at the bunk.  
"Spock, wake up."  
"Jim," the deeper, huskier voice responds.  
It's made darker by sleep.  
"Spock," Jim says again.  
His voice is almost trembling.  
"We need to talk."  
"Indeed," Spock replies. _

_The room is caste in shadows.  
I can't see Spock's face clearly. . _

_I don't want to spy, but I can't stop listening.  
I can't even tear my eyes away.  
I'm sitting in the shadows of my office.  
The half-open door gives me a clear view of them.  
I'd just turned the computer off, getting ready to leave.  
That's when Jim showed up. _

_Spock's face is caste in shadows.  
Jim is sitting beside his sickbed.  
His hands are folded in his lap.  
He's looking at them as if they hold the key to Pandora's box.  
Frightened, hopeful and determined.  
All at once. _

_He also seems uncertain.  
As if unsure of where to begin.  
My heart aches for them.  
May they find their way back to each other this night. _

_Spock suddenly makes a movement.  
What is he doing, I wonder.  
Jim jerks.  
Spock touched him.  
It is as if that touch is an electric jolt.  
Perhaps it is, to Jim. _

_I close my eyes wishing I didn't have to listen to this.  
Wishing I didn't have to see it.  
Happy that I am.  
I feel guilty, but I want to know what happens next. _

_~ END_

_LESSONS 13  
What I Need_ _Kirk_

_His hand on my knee.  
It sends a jolt through me.  
I can't think.  
Desire pools in my belly. _

_"Jim," he says.  
That deep voice tears at my soul  
Those eyes look into mine.  
They see the depths of my being.  
Tears right into my core.  
It no longer frightens me. _

_It heals me.  
It humbles me.  
It fills me.  
It arouses me. _

_His eyes are filled with a need I didn't know was there.  
There's no coldness now.  
Hope flares bright._

_"If this is all that you can give me, Jim," Spock whispers to me.  
"I am willing to accept it."_

_What does he mean?  
Does he mean that if all that I can give him is sex,  
Or the human meaning of love?  
He'll accept that from me?  
He wants me so much.  
He'll accept less than he needs?_

_Good God, Spock, No!  
I don't deserve this.  
My gut clenches in pain.  
Don't do this!  
You don't have to do this!_

_I want what you need.  
You've got what I need.  
I've got what you want. _

_His hand moves from my knee, up my thigh.  
It's searing hot, sending licking flames along my body.  
I harden and I need.  
Pain, guilt and desire wars within me. _

_I snatch his hand away as if it were a snake.  
"No Spock," I cry.  
With the link gone.  
This moment is made for misunderstandings.  
His eyes darken in pain.  
I did it again. _

_"No, Spock," I repeat.  
Whispering.  
Soothingly.  
"Not like this." _

_~ END_

_LESSONS 14  
Want  
Spock_

_He rejects me.  
Again.  
I did not believe I could take this pain once more.  
But I am still functioning.  
Barely. _

_"Spock," he whispers again.  
His voice.  
Golden.  
Soft.  
Beloved.  
T'hy'la.  
No.  
He is not.  
No more.  
Not mine.  
Not my beloved. _

_"Spock. Listen to me"  
His voice  
Desperate.  
Pained.  
Urgent. _

_"Spock, please."_

_I cannot.  
This is too much.  
Emotions.  
They shatter me.  
They break me.  
Like chards of glass, spreading on the hard floor when it hits.  
I am broken.  
I cannot.  
No._

_"Spock," he begs.  
His breath catches. _

_With the last vestiges of my control, I look up,  
Fighting off the shaming tears that are rising in my eyes.  
When I look up, I see the answering need there. _

_"I still want you," he whispers.  
"I want you more than anything else in the world."  
"You're my other half."  
"Without you I'm dead."  
"Without you..."_

_His voice breaks and I cannot bear it._

_I reach out.  
My hand rests on his cheek.  
It's softer than I remember  
Warmer than I remember. _

_My fingers clench around his cheek.  
I pull him closer.  
I crave more contact.  
We must talk later.  
I need him.  
I want him.  
Now. _

_~ END_

_LESSONS 15  
Perfect Unity  
McCoy_

_"Jim, I want you," Spock whispers hoarsely.  
The stab of arousal that shoots through me, makes me wonder at myself.  
From there on, there is no question of what is going to happen. _

_The fact that they're a couple coming together again is obvious.  
Their passion holds the familiarity of long time lovers  
But the intensity is that of a new relationship. _

_Spock's arms wraps around Jim's waist with a fierce grip.  
Their mouths lock together in soul-wrenching, open-mouthed and passionate kisses.  
I'll be damned.  
That Vulcan facade is just that.  
A facade._

_Spock grabs at Jim with as much passion as any human could ever muster.  
Maybe more.  
Those strong hands grasp at him with such desire.  
Pulling Jim closer.  
And closer still. _

_I want to give them this moment alone, but I cannot.  
Their love is so intense, so magnificent.  
I can't turn my eyes from them.  
Shame fills me, but intense arousal as well.  
They're my friends, dammit.  
But it's beautiful - the way they love. _

_Spock's face bears a passion I had never expected.  
Laid bare, vulnerable and loving.  
Jim's kisses are equally loving  
His face is contorted in need.  
I can see the pain there as well. _

_Pain at the misunderstandings.  
Pain at the lost time.  
Pain at the mistakes  
But beneath that, a profound joy.  
Of coming together again with this man he loves.  
Of having been given a second chance. _

_Spock holds his heart so ultimately.  
He just had to come to accept it.  
I wish they wouldn't have had to pay such a dear price. _

_I watch as they begin to move, together.  
Jim is desperately clutching at Spock's clothing.  
Spock is tearing at what Jim is wearing. _

_I should step forward and stop them.  
Now, before it's too late.  
I should tell them I'm here.  
But I'm frozen to the spot.  
I can't move.  
I don't want to move, dammit. _

_What if my presence will ruin this?  
What if by being here and revealing it,  
I would shatter this most precious of moments?  
I can't, and I won't.  
Discretion be damned!_

_So, I watch as Spock spreads his legs, tangling them with Jim's.  
I watch as their arms grasp at each other.  
I watch and listen to their ragged breaths.  
I listen as a sob forces its way out of Spock's throat.  
I watch as his head falls back and he cries out in passion.  
I listen to the words._

_"Jim, oh, Jim."_

_I watch that display of desperate emotion.  
I watch the raw affection between them.  
And the soul-shattering need. _

_As I do this.  
I wonder at the powers of the Universe.  
How could it keep such perfect unity apart for so long?_

_~END_

_Lessons 16  
Coming Together  
Kirk_

_This was not the way I had pictured it.  
I hadn't intended to let the desire consume me like this  
But I don't have any strength left to fight. _

_His hot lips against mine.  
The slick alienness of his kisses.  
His agile tongue warring with mine.  
Deep, soulshattering kisses.  
How I missed them. _

_Were they ever like this - before?  
I doubt it.  
It's a fire that devours my soul.  
I want to be part of him. _

_"Spock, good God, Spock, I want you."_

_The words are torn from my throat.  
Painful need drowns me. _

_He doesn't reply in words.  
All I can do is allow his stronger than human hands to tear away my clothing.  
Even as I desperately try to divest him of his.  
Our patience is all but gone._

_In the back of my mind I wonder where Bones is.  
But the thought is gone as soon as it emerges.  
It doesn't matter.  
Nothing else matters anymore.  
Spock is there with me.  
My other half.  
I am about to become whole again. _

_His muscular legs spread and I lie between them.  
Our groins come together and a gasp escapes him.  
The gasp ignites me.  
Like putting a match to gasoline._

_I swallow hard and bury my face at his chest.  
Pausing, I'm trying to regain some measure of control.  
It's so good.  
Nothing was ever this good. _

_I'm home.  
I move against him again.  
Unable to lie still, craving the closeness.  
Craving his touch.  
I'm causing us both to moan. _

_Our eyes meet.  
Oh yes, I am home.  
This is where my heart is.  
Where it will always stay.  
I'm sure of that now. _

_I feel my throat clench.  
Tears spill over my cheeks  
I pay them no heed. _

_"Spock," I sob.  
"Jim," he replies.  
His arms come around me, pulling me closer.  
Encircled by his warmth, I feel safe again.  
I lean forward and lick away the moisture from the corner of his eye.  
It is bitter.  
Just like the pain that's tormented us for so long.  
"Spock, I'm so sorry."_

_I move, not allowing him to respond.  
His legs spread wider, tangling with my own.  
How I've longed for this feeling.  
Being securely held in his embrace.  
As close as two people can be. _

_Almost._

_I move again.  
I want to be closer.  
He moans.  
He sobs.  
He's so hard._

_"Jim, please."_

_His head is thrown back and I pull my mouth off his.  
Burying my face in the crook of his neck.  
Inhaling his scent, deeply.  
I want to fill my lungs with the warm fragrance of dry Vulcan.  
His hands grab at my buttocks.  
He moves, desperately against me. _

_"Jim, please," he repeats the plea again._

_I know what he wants and I want it too.  
I want to be inside him.  
I want him to be inside me.  
If we don't merge soon I think I'll die. _

_This is sickbay  
There should be something...  
I grab a tube.  
Handlotion  
It'll have to do. _

_The desperation is driving me crazy.  
I rip my pants open.  
I'm so hard.  
I rub myself and moan when I see the blackness of his eyes.  
He watches me, greedily.  
He needs me.  
Body and mind.  
Never has the passion been so evident in his eyes before. _

_"Jim."_

_The word is pleading and demanding as I lean over him again.  
His hands grab at me, hard.  
He's causing bruises at my sides, I'm sure.  
I don't care. _

_"Easy, Spock. I refuse to hurt you."_

_Not again.  
Never again.  
For as long as I live I pledge to never hurt him again. _

_I push inside him.  
Slowly.  
Clenching my teeth.  
Good God.  
I'm going to come. _

_"Bite me, Spock!"_

_He looks at me and understands.  
The teeth at my neck are vicious.  
As if he needed that as much as I did.  
I deserve it.  
It's my fault.  
The pain of the last years.  
It's all my fault. _

_The pain rushes through me.  
It diminishes the bliss of being inside him.  
Enough to pull me back from the precipice. _

_"Spock," I whisper. "I love you."  
"Jim, t'hy'la. I've missed you."_

_He's sobbing now.  
I'm moving inside him, pulling almost all the way out.  
I push back in.  
The sobs become almost violent.  
They pain me.  
How much he needs this.  
How much I need this. _

_Slick, sliding,  
Warm.  
Good God, he's hot.  
Tight.  
Such pleasure.  
It consumes me.  
I try to hold back. _

_He pulls me back in.  
Thrusts back at me.  
Greedy for my love.  
Greedy for my touch. _

_His lips press back on me.  
My shoulder is bathed by his wet tongue.  
There's pain at the bite as he licks away the blood.  
It stings, but it feels good.  
It is my absolution. _

_Good god, Spock.  
What did I do to deserve this?  
Having you back with me is heaven. _

_I am yours.  
Forever. _

_~ End_

_LESSONS 17  
Only You  
Spock_

_Is it possible to suffer from emotional overload?  
And if that is indeed the case.  
Would I be capable of experiencing it?  
Logic tells me it could not be so.  
I am Vulcan._

_But it is possible  
I am experiencing it.  
What else could it be?_

_It has never been like this.  
My chest is filled with feelings I can no longer contain.  
Is it possible that my body is so filled with emotion,  
It has to find an outlet somewhere?_

_The wracking sob, forcing it's way out of my chest when his mouth finally touches mine.  
Is relief.  
I plunge inside his cool mouth, craving its moistness.  
I know that my grip around his hips is too hard.  
I cannot stop myself. _

_It is not the pon farr, but equally consuming.  
It is love.  
My human half is surfacing with a vengeance.  
I suppressed it for too long._

_I know that the doctor is there, in the shadows.  
He's looking on.  
The knowledge seems to have lost its meaning.  
I do not care. _

_The tears that spill over my cheeks as I feel Jim settling against me.  
Is relief.  
His tongue tasting them tells me he shares my pain.  
I can feel the wetness on his cheek mingling with my own tears. _

_The need...  
Oh, the need... _

_Is it possible he has suffered also?  
Is it maybe so, that he was frightened?  
Did the fear cause him to drive me away?_

_Oh I cannot think._

_The raw desire inside is too great.  
I want him inside me.  
I want to be inside him.  
I want to bond with him. _

_The sobs forcing their way out of my chest now.  
Is not relief.  
It is pain.  
I will have him.  
But not the way I truly need. _

_He will not be my mate.  
But I will have him.  
All that he can give.  
It will have to suffice. _

_My fingers bury themselves into his flesh.  
My legs spread wider to allow him in.  
He pulls away.  
Such a loss  
I need him. _

_"Jim"_

_He will not hurt me again, he says.  
Does he not know what agony it is when he leaves me thus?  
I grasp at him, and pull him back atop me. _

_The kisses are fierce, needy, greedy.  
It is not enough. _

_The desire to have him within me is a hunger.  
A famine.  
I am starved for his love, flesh and mind.  
I am cold and barren without him.  
Only a machine.  
No longer living  
Only functioning. _

_Only with him do I live  
Only with him do I love  
Only with him...._

_Only you - my other half._

_He is finally entering me.  
Slowly, and without pain.  
What bliss not to feel pain  
For just a moment. _

_I no longer feel broken.  
The path to healing our wounds has begun. _

_I see the rapture in his face and I understand.  
He begs me to sink my teeth into his flesh.  
I oblige.  
I bite harder than what is necessary.  
Some part of myself wanting to punish him.  
For what we have been forced to go through. _

_I have never known him to succumb to fear in the past.  
A lingering resentment is there.  
Why now?  
Why?_

_When I taste his blood, the pain goes away.  
The love for him takes over and the hurt disappears.  
The resentment is gone. _

_Finding him not perfect.  
Makes me love him even more. _

_"Spock, I love you."  
"Jim, t'hy'la, I missed you"_

_I never cried before, not like this.  
Not even when I thought I had killed him.  
But the feelings inside me need to come out.  
Somehow. _

_I buried them for too long._

_But no more.  
No more.  
In his arms, I will never shield again. _

_The pleasure soars through me like a blade.  
Leaving us both exhausted and emptied. _

_He lifts his head and looks into my eyes.  
Hazel depths are distraught._

_"Spock," he says.  
"This is not enough." _

_~ END_

_LESSONS 18  
The Watcher  
McCoy_

_Jim's words are like a kick in the gut._

_Not enough?  
What in the seven hells does he mean by that?  
How much more does he need?  
They're made for each other.  
They're two parts of one being.  
Dammit, Jim.  
Don't throw it away!_

_Then, as Spock's fingers move toward Jim's temples.  
I understand.  
The concept of Vulcan love holds so much more.  
One, in mind and body. _

_I try to look away.  
But I still can't, dammit.  
It's like the air crackles around them.  
Spock's fingers are hovering over Jim's face._

_I can't believe I've been watching them like this.  
My two best friends.  
My senior officers.  
My family. _

_I can feel my cheeks burning.  
I'm angry at me.  
I'm angry at them.  
They've ignored the fact that they're in sickbay.  
They made love on one of my sickbeds.  
Anger bleeds out of me then. _

_They made love._

_They are back together.  
Relief washes over me._

_It will be all right.  
At last._

_~ End_

_LESSONS 19  
One  
Kirk_

_Not enough..._

_As soon as the words spill out of me I look into Spock's eyes.  
I hope he understands.  
I lock onto his gaze, and see the understanding there.  
He knows what I want.  
I don't have to spell it out to him.  
God, Spock.  
My other half.  
The best part of me._

_"I love you."_

_His hands lift from my shoulders and move to my face.  
Whispers of his thoughts reach me as his fingers settle.  
The meld points burn at his touch.  
I long to feel him inside me.  
He's the part of me I need.  
That I cannot live without.  
Why did it take me so long to see?_

_He and I,  
One. _

_"Are you certain?" he whispers.  
I simply nod, out of fear that my voice will not hold steady.  
"Jim... T'hy'la, are you certain?" he asks again, waiting patiently.  
His fingertips resting against my face...  
They're agony  
I want more.  
They're bliss.  
It's more than I've had in so long. _

_"Yes," I whisper, my voice unsteady.  
I clear my throat.  
"Yes," I repeat and look into those dark eyes again.  
"Yes, Spock. Bond us."  
"It is permanent," he says.  
"I know, Spock. I know."_

_And he's there with me.  
His glorious mind spills into mine.  
Bringing warmth into the coldness that has been I for so long.  
I can feel the wetness on my cheeks.  
I can feel the soul-wrenching need inside him.  
And I know then that he's carried that need for years. _

_Never demanding.  
Never asking.  
Never putting his own needs before mine. _

_"Jim, you are with me now. Do not dwell on what is past."_

_And our thoughts and feelings meld.  
They mesh, creating one mind.  
It molds itself into perfection. _

_One._

_I can feel it as the link snaps into place.  
I cry out in pain.  
I never knew the agony of it missing.  
I never knew how deep that wound was. _

_Now  
At last  
He is there. _  
_  
_It will heal._  
_  
 _~ End_  
_  
_LESSONS 20  
Whole__

___Spock_  
_Emptiness.  
Need.  
Pain. __ _

___They have been my constant companions.  
Ever since I left for Gol.  
Finally we part ways.  
It is with no regret I see them go.  
I thought them to be at my side forever.  
Until the day I no longer walked among the stars. _  
_  
_  
_It is with great relief that I am proven wrong.  
Such loneliness and pain was not my destiny._  
_  
_  
_His mind is like nothing I could have imagined.  
I have imagined it.  
Oh, so many times.  
More ofren than I care to remember. _  
_  
_

__I close my arms around him.  
His cool body is resting atop mine.  
Gently, I pull the covers over us both.  
The emotions has tapped at my strength.  
I need rest. _ _I look into his eyes.  
Golden and warm.  
I know he feels it also.  
The tiredness.  
The contentment._ _

__His thoughts confirm it.  
The bond grows stronger.  
It will soon be permanent.  
Forever unbreakable.  
The joy I feel...  
It is certianly un-Vulcan.  
I find I do not care. _ _

___He is part of me.  
At last.  
For the first time in so long,  
I feel whole. _ .  
Cradling him.  
The most precious being in my existence._ _

__Later,  
A small sound rouses me.  
I open my eyes.  
I see the shadowy figure.  
He is trying to move away without revealing himself. _ _

__Leonard._ _

__He sees me awake.  
He lowers his head in shame.  
I do not wish him to feel shame.  
It was not his fault.  
He became witness to this.  
If anyone's, the mistake was mine. _ _

__I try to convey this as our eyes meet.  
His body relaxes.  
His face lights up with a genuine smile.  
He is happy for us.  
He leaves quietly.  
The privacy lock snaps in place behind him.  
I am content. _ _

__One long, hard journey has ended.  
The pain is behind us.  
Now,  
I look forward to the next chapter in our lives.  
I am certain, Jim will make it a fascinating one. _ _

__~End to the Lessons series._ _


End file.
